The English dictionary
for visiting Americans

Britain and North Americans are
separated by a common language. So as to facilitate
communication, here are a few definitions from the Uxbridge
English Dictionary for those coming to the British Worldcon.

I'm Sorry If You Haven't a Clue as to the Uxbridge English Dictionary but it has become something of a British cultural icon.

Using this dictionary requires a little thought.  So here are a couple of worked examples:
          'Cabaret = 'taxi rank' (in other words a 'Cab Array').
          'Abacus' – To swear in Swedish ('Abba cus')

It often helps to think phonetically as these are daffynations.

The other thing that will occasionally help, where 'Yorkshire' is mentioned below, is to be aware that in Yorkshire the local dialect is for the 'he' in the word 'The' tends to be dropped. So phrases like 'Down the pit become 'Down t' pit'.

Now that you know how to use the dictionary, enjoy the eloquence of the English language…

Abacus – To swear in Swedish
Academy – A school for complete bastards
Acoustic – A Scottish cattle prod
Adamant – The very first male ant
Algorithm – The dance of a former US Vice-President
Announce – Just over 28 grams
Anticyclone – One who is opposed to bicycle hire
Aperitif – dentures
Arcade – A charitable event in support of Noah
Aroma – Singular gypsy
Aromatic – Automatic crossbow
Asperger's – A type of laxative
Aspic – Disgusting habit
Aspiration – Breathing through one's arse
Assassination – A nation populated by donkeys
Asymmetry – The place where Scotsmen are buried
Baltimore – Second helping of curry
Bar stools – Sheep droppings
Behemoth – An insect that makes holes in jumpers and then fills them with honey
Beware – Clothing for bees
Biased – Having four buttocks
Bigamist – Heavy fog
Bin man – Someone who is now a woman
Bittersweet – One armchair
Blistered – The perfect bowl movement
Boomerang – To heckle confectionary
Bonus – What city bankers get to do when they handle our money
Boutique – To heckle wood
Bumbling – Jewellery for buttocks
Buttercup – A strange object on the ground as in ‘I picked a buttock up’
Cabbage – The opinions of taxi drivers
Carrion – Hand luggage for vultures
Cabaret – A wide range of available taxis
Canopy – A Scot's complaint
Canopy – A tin of urine
Cardiology – The study of knitwear
Caucasian – An Indian wine stopper
Caustic – Good heavens, a stick
Celery – Like a basement
Cellulite – A shop that sells lights
Cervix – Cold medicine for Knights of the realm
Chagrin – Post-coital smile
Chandelier – Leering at a beer and lemonade
Char lady – Joan of Arc
Chateau – French turd in the shape of a castle
Chauffer – What can happen when you exit a car without knickers
Cherish – Rather like a chair
Chichester – Where you end up asking a cab driver on a cold day to take you to Chester
Childhood – A very young gangster
Chinwags – Bruce Forsyth's wives and girlfriends
Chuckling – A very small throw
Clarity – Like a Bordeaux
Cobra – Shared underwear
Cockney – Bizarre physical defect
Colonnade – A fizzy enema
Colonisation – Turning something into an arse
Concubine – A porcupine with a big nose Condescending – A prisoner using a lift
Coincidental – Having matching teeth Cognac – Cheating a cow
Copper nitrate – not a chemical formed by the action of nitric acid on copper oxide but the amount police are paid after 6pm
Cosplay – To dress up as a lettuce
Coquette – Small piece
Coypu – something discretely done behind a bush while on a picnic
Crescendo – Termination of child care
Criteria – Cafeteria for sad people
Crudity – Sea shanty
Cuckold – A long outlawed wrestling move
Cursory – The place where young children learn to swear
Cycle path – a mad person on a bicycle
Dauntingly – To wake up early in the morning feeling frisky
Deduce – What you get when you squeeze de lemon
Deliberate - To imprison
Depends – Where the diving boards are
Detonation – Greece
Disappear – An Italian introducing a member of the House of Lords
Disclaimers – A pop group who did not walk 500 miles
Distant – An ant who has been slagged off
Distillery – What Trump did to Mrs Clinton
Diversity – A college for undertakers
Dreadlocks – A fear of canals
Dunkirk – The career of William Shatner
Dynamite – To take a flea to dinner
Dumpling – A very small poo
Easily – Rather like an easel
Ecstatic - Moving
Effluent – Very good at bad language
Electrical – To pass water in a polling booth
Electron – Vote for Ronald
Elongate – A scandal involving Mr Musk
Elongate – The Tessler recall scandal
Engineering – Huge item of jewellery
Equinox – How you know there's a horse at the door
Expensive – Someone who is no longer thoughtful
Extractor fan – Someone who used to like farm vehicles
Extreme – a dried up river
Fielding – To find a bell in the dark
Finance – Really good ants
Forebears – A really terrible night for Goldilocks
Foreskin – Force relatives
Forlorn – Something for the garden grass
Fossilise – Too late for glasses
Frenzy – A bit like an American sitcom
Freelance- A giveaway spear
Gastric – Raising energy prices without the customer knowing
Gastronomy – the study of space farts
Gear – Alcoholic drink for ventriloquists
Germanium – What florists shout when they jump out of a plane
Gestate – Had lunch
Girdle – A word game for ventriloquist
Gladiator – Unrepentant male cannibal
Glamorgan – The male version of the bejazzle
Golden syrup – Blond wig
Gravy – Like a churchyard
Haddock – an enclosure for sea horses
Harpist – Fairly drunk
Heehaw – Male prostitute

Herbivore – A person who eats Volkswagen beetles
Hillary – The opposite of flattery
Himalayas – Hermaphrodite chickens
Hindsight – Builder's cleavage
Hispanic – The fear of snakes
Horticulturalist – Brian Sewell
Hospice – equestrian discharge
Hyperbolic – Extremely large testicle
Icicle – A small bike made by Apple
Impeccable – Bird proof
Important – An ant purchased overseas
Infantile – Where they keep items for children in the supermarket
Inferno – assume 'not'
Innuendo – An Italian suppository
Investigator – A crocodile in his undershirt
Jacuzzi – French for I accuse myself
Jigsaw – How you feel after Irish dancing
Judo – Kosher plasticene
Jugular – A busty vampire
Kindling – The burning of e-books
Kingdom – A royal contraceptive
Laboratory – Speeches by gun dogs
Lactose – Frost bitten
Lambasted – A baby sheep born to unmarried parents
Likelihood – Probably a gangster
Loki – The Norse god of understatement
Lunar landing – Upstairs lavatory
Manicure – Little doctor
Manuel – A little doctor's grateful patient
Mayfly – a Virgin plane
Menacing – Male voice choir
Metabolics – Unimpressed with metaphysics
Miasma – The reason I carry an inhaler
Migraine – That corn does not belong to you
Minion – A tiny charlotte
Minster – Camp clergyman
Misfit – Attractive lady teacher
Misnomer – Absent garden ornaments
Mistake – Regretting being a vegetarian
Mishmash – When someone is late for mass through too much drink
Molasses – The rear ends of moles
Mutant – An ant who can't speak
Nanometre -- A device for counting grannies
Naysayer – A horse
Net Zero – A disappointing day fishing
Niceties – Pleasant sofas
Normalise – when you don't need glasses
Nudity – A freshly composed song
Nutcase – Scrotum
Octagon – The first of November
Onomatopoeia – Incontinence during a yoga class
Omelette – A short period of meditation
Optimistic – Like a cataract
Orchestral – An alternative bird of prey
Orchid – Son of a Brummy
Organ donor – A substandard kebab
Ovaltene – An overweight teenager
Papist – Someone who makes a payment while drunk
Pastoral – Too old for foreplay
Penis – Pea shooter
Pensive – Something you can write with while draining the potatoes
Pentecost – pricey fashionable underwear
Pentecost – Fashionable but pricey underwear
Perspex – Glasses for cats
Perspire – How a steeplejack charges
Percussion – How Scottish upholsterers get paid
Perverse – How freelance poets get paid
Perversion – The cat's side of the story
Pioneer – A common cause of deafness among pastry chefs
Pioneer – A messy eater
Pistachio – Facial hair that smells of urine
Petulance – A vehicle for taking dogs and cats to hospital
Pioneer – Deafness in a pastry maker
Pioneer – A messy eater
Pixilate – An overdue elf
Porcupine – a regretful vegetarian
Portent – Cheap camping equipment
Prefix – Broken
Propagate – A replacement for the old gate
Property – A decent cuppa
Pubic – For shaving in church
Putin – Chamber pot
Pyromaniac – Someone who collects glass dishes
Quisling – A child that will not stop asking questions
Randomise – A squint
Ransom – Not walking all the way, jogging a bit
Retail – Good Yorkshire bitter
Retread – A very great step in Yorkshire
Revelation – Joy in the vicarage
Roulette – Tiny law
Rooomania – An over-fondness for kangaroos
Ruination – Holding a referendum
Satire – Seated in a more elevated position
Scandal – footwear you should be ashamed of
Scintillate- Go at it until the small hours
Senile – Egyptian holiday
Severe – Having a colander on your ear
Shell fish - A bit like a shelf
Shindig – The horticultural wing of the IRA
Slumber – It's a big pile of wood init
Somerset – Mixed results for a jelly factory
Spectator – A short-sighted potato
Stalagmite – A prison for fleas
Stopcock – Chastity belt
Stylus – Homeless pig
Subdued – A less than cool person
Suffragette – Ryan Air
Tanker – What they use to moor a boat in Yorkshire
Testicular – a vampire who talks bollocks
Tinker – Thoughtful Irishman
Tombola – Hat in the shape of a cat
Transport – A drink formerly known as sherry
Trash – Yorkshire measles
Trampoline – Liquid for cleaning vagrants
Typo – A Chamber pot made in Bangkok
Umbrage – A card game for uncertain players
Unisex – What students have when they should be studying
Vaccine – A short drama about hoovers
Victory – A Conservative MP you can rub on your chest
Volcanic – Someone who fixes voles
Weight machine – A Virgin train
Weight watcher – A Virgin passenger
Winchester – An unusual lottery prize
Winery – Complaints department
Wolverine – product for cleaning wolves

Our apologies to I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.

We hope that all overseas visitors to the Worldcon have a very enjoyable and memorable time. We trust that those staying on a few days for tourism will manage to take in the visual splendour of the Yorkshire tea plantations, and that if ever you need to speak to British policeman you should remember their penchant for good administrative procedure and so to greet them with a friendly 'hello' in triplicate.

You are now equipped with the basics for a stay in Blighty.

Elsewhere on this site we have an introductory article to Glasgow with downloadable (PDF) maps.

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